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(Gemma Bou, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)
為得玫瑰、先過荊棘
Q:婆婆和先生常爭執,弄得家庭氣氛很差。先生說婆婆的個性好強又堅持己
見,不吵是無法改變其觀念的。我該怎麼面對家庭衝突?
A:唇齒最親,都會咬著,何況是家人之間。就像想要獲得美麗的玫瑰花,得先通過荊棘這關一樣,若是想要家庭幸福,就需學習如何透過溝通化解衝突。
化解衝突的智慧
現今台灣離婚率攀升,可能與我們在面對衝突時的態度和知能不夠成熟有關。心理學家研究發現,對婚姻關係具高度滿足感的夫妻,與成天吵鬧不休的夫妻,所面臨的問題基本上類似,但是因為處理衝突的方法不同,就產生不同的結果。可見想要擁有真正和諧的家庭,就得學習如何面對衝突。以下有兩個步驟,提供參考:
一、安撫情緒:當家人出現意見相左或價值觀對立時,當事者通常會感覺不被尊重,所以容易出現憤怒的情緒。此時,可以先退離現場。若是自己能察覺彼此的情緒,並能冷卻下來,那麼溝通就可繼續進行。此時的溝通策略是暫緩討論事情,而轉向情緒上的相互回應與理解;諸如:不說理,只傾聽、了解並同理對方的情緒。必要時先道歉,緩和僵持的氣氛。如果雙方都無法平心靜氣,那麼可由第三者居間協調。
二、就事論事:當情緒緩和下來之後,就可以討論解決辦法。此時需要把非輸即贏的「零和遊戲」(Zero-Sum Game),轉成「非零和」的雙贏局面。當我們把思想、價值觀和操作規範通通鬆綁之後,彼此所要分享的餅就可以做大。就像電影《推手》中的家庭僵局,透過討論,讓兩個都有獨身長輩的移民家庭合作,並把住宅擴大到社區老人公寓,打破傳統孝道價值觀,兩個老人家願意和孩子們分開住,因而彼此都獲得解放;方案雖非最滿意,卻能被各方所接受。
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