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(Leland Francisco, CC BY 2.0)
幸福婚姻Q&A
Q:我結婚快三年了,結果發現跟想像中的婚姻生活很不一樣,雖然相處中有很多甜蜜,但衝突也十分頻繁,請問我該怎麼辦?
A:在這裡要先恭喜你,因為「婚姻」幫助你發現自己的有限。而且就算關係並不愉快,但你仍沒有放棄親密關係,而是努力地找方法,且願意付出心力去經營這份夫妻關係。
婚姻的春、夏、秋、冬都值得經歷
許多人在婚前以為,進入婚姻能讓生活變得更舒適;等到真的結婚後,才發現家裡有數不清的家務事等著他去處理。在經過幾次不愉快的相處與一再發生的衝突後,心情因而感到沮喪與疲憊,也不知道如何去處理與配偶的關係。對此,我的回應是:在感情上要經歷春、夏、秋、冬這四個季節,才能經歷春暖花開,得到良好的收穫。
所謂的春天,指的是開始建立親密關係時的如沐春風;夏天則代表了彼此的熱情和急切建立親密的互動;到了秋天,會發現兩人的差異與衝突,進而有些惆悵的情緒,但這也是收穫的季節;最後的冬天,代表親密關係因為衝突和溝通的障礙,讓彼此的互動降到冰點,但從另一方面想,它也可以是豐收後的冬藏期。
「秋天」時,更需要兩人一起努力
目前的你與另一半正處於「秋天」的階段中。而我很確信經營親密關係必須要兩人一起努力,如果你的覺察能力較高,且有改善關係的意願,則可以在關係中採取主動,進而影響你的配偶,共同為親密關係的經營齊心努力。
降低期待
此外,我的另一個建議是「降低婚姻的期待」。根據研究數據顯示:對婚姻的期待度愈高,婚姻滿意度愈低;對婚姻的期待愈低,則婚姻滿意度愈高。原先,你可能對婚後的生活有較高的期待,卻發現婚後有許多家務事等著你處理;「家務分工」是婚姻生活中很實際的一面,等到有孩子之後,你可能還要再多出「購買孩子的日用品」、「照顧嬰兒」……等家務事。
適度地示弱
夫妻相處中的確有很多甜蜜時光,但相對地也有許多的家庭責任要分擔。因此,夫妻間應當有透明的溝通,告訴對方你真實的心情,並且共同商議出一個彼此都能認同的解決方案。而在面對衝突時,我個人會傾向讓配偶贏,因為「適度地示弱」能讓配偶跳脫情緒、顧及彼此的情面;這不只是心理學的技巧,更是生命態度的展現。
當我們遇見了生命的困境時,這也是一個發揮自己潛能的好機會。生命是上天賜給我們的冒險之旅,家庭則是淬鍊自己的重要場域。祝福你與配偶能在婚姻生活中找到共同的核心價值,在穩固的關係中共創活力的婚姻!
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