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(thejbird, CC BY 2.0)
千萬別對孩子說這句話!
這幾天看到一位匿名網友寫給媽媽的信,提到從小就看到父母當著自己面爭執到不可開交。兩人戰到酣處,甚至還會拿年幼的自己出氣,並說「要不是你,爸爸媽媽早就離婚了!」
這句話,在他幼小的心靈中埋下很深的陰影,認為父母關係這麼惡劣、而且沒有解方,都是自己導致。因此,在10歲時第一次嘗試自殺,成長過程中,更是多次動過自殺的念頭。
雖然事隔多年,該網友透過自己修習心理學系的課程和持續諮商輔導而釋懷,並原諒父母當初對自己在言語和精神上的創傷,但他仍希望分享這段經歷,讓更多作父母的人知道要如何避免對孩子的傷害。讀著他的分享讓人感到心疼,也覺得他很勇敢。
為生理健康砸重金,而心理健康-快樂更值得投資
每個爸爸媽媽都希望孩子健康快樂地成長,雖然生理上的健康有時未必能操之在自己手中(例如先天性疾病),但作父母的都會盡可能為孩子排除影響健康的負面因素,因此不惜砸重金購買相關器材,例:防蹣吸塵器、防蹣被套、空氣清淨機、淨水器、消毒設備...等。並有不少父母會積極為孩子添購健康營養補充品、作檢測、潛能開發...等。不論是排除負面因素或積極為孩子建構健康基礎,這些零零總總的費用加總起來大概要個把萬、甚至十數萬都有可能。
但心理健康-「快樂」更是重要,不但因為過去有研究顯示快樂的孩子有比較好的免疫力,而且其實「快樂」可以不用花大錢就達到顯著效果。「有樣學樣」是孩子成長必經的過程,父母又是孩子最早的模仿對象,因此想要孩子快樂,父母就要先快樂。
有爭執才是正常,畢竟越親近越容易有摩擦
「快樂父母 = 完全沒有爭執」的觀念是錯誤期待!錯誤期待!錯誤期待!因為很重要,所以要說三次。畢竟夫妻倆人家庭環境、成長背景、生活習慣等本來就不一樣,就算雙胞胎也有各自的個性,甚至每一個人內在都有衝突或矛盾。因此,期待夫妻倆人完全沒有爭執確實是強人所難。
大家都一定曾有「牙齒咬到舌頭」的經驗,但牙齒不會咬到耳朵(咬別人的不算),那是因為牙齒和舌頭如此親近才會有摩擦。但就算牙齒咬到舌頭,也不會有人就此拔掉牙齒或剪斷舌頭,而是練習讓兩者能更協調地運作,以品嚐美味。
為人父母者爭吵時的智慧
「爭吵」是一種「練習協調」(溝通)的形態,一定都會比「沒話說」來得良性,所以我和另一半有時也會溝(ㄔㄠˇ)通(ㄐㄧㄚˋ)。但為了顧全孩子健康快樂地成長,有兩個「爭吵時的智慧」,我也時常提醒自己要放在心上:
1.避免在孩子面前爭吵
實證研究指出幼童對從父母而來的叨唸沒有太大反應,但若目睹父母爭執,則會產生極大壓力與負面情緒。嚴重時,不但會對腦部發育產生影響,甚至導致心理方面的疾病。而且,父母是幼童發展過程中最重要的「模仿對象」,這種爭吵模式也會對孩子產生潛移默化的效果,並帶入孩子往後的人際交往和婚姻關係。
2.不要歸責到孩子身上
幼童的世界觀以「自我」為中心,就算父母不直接將爭吵之因歸責到孩子身上,孩子也很容易聯想到「因為我不夠好」、「因為我不乖」所以爸爸媽媽吵架,並自我責難。若對孩子言明了「都是你害的!」「要不是你...」等話語,那傷害就更深更直接。
養育孩子本就是父母的責任,更是甜蜜的負擔,讓孩子健康快樂成長都來不及了,又何苦讓孩子承受這些不屬於他的重擔呢?
作者簡介:蘋蘋爸是一位先天性心臟重症病童的父親,和妻子攜手經歷許多挑戰與關卡,並在過程中體會到幸福婚姻與家庭的重要性及價值,並希望能透過文字和更多家庭分享這份祝福。
希望為婚姻做好預備的您,或期待婚姻生活好上加好的您
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