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(Katsu Nojiri, CC BY 2.0)
me2we小編按:牙齒會咬到舌頭,卻不會咬到耳朵,正是因為牙齒和舌頭很親近的關係。但縱使牙齒要到舌頭,我們也不會將牙齒拔掉、或將舌頭剪短,而是想辦法讓兩者能協調運作,進而品嚐美食。
婚姻關係何嘗不是如此?正因為親近,所以兩人才有磨合,只要目標一致(要品味美食),並找對方法(本篇立馬分享),衝突其實也可以是美好的祝福!
處理衝突的三項叮嚀
一、容易改變/難以改變
有些衝突議題容易調整,但有些議題卻難以改變。所以,比較好的衝突處理方式,是先了解哪些是難以改變或無法控制的事,哪些是容易改變、調整的事,並因應不同的衝突點,採取不一樣的解決方式。難以改變的事通常是與原生家庭相關的議題(如:家族成員的生活習慣),或是個人根深蒂固的價值觀(如:生育態度、金錢觀)。
當遇到難以改變的事,夫妻需要更深一層討論此衝突點背後的脈絡為何,並學習包容及妥協。若常為了同一件事爭吵,又無法提出有效的方法解決,壓力將愈積愈深,所爆發的衝突也將更大。而可以改變的部分(如:相處時間的分配),雙方可以共同協商出一個有效且可實行的方法,衝突點自然會慢慢解除。
二、表達需求/表達情緒
表達需求和表達情緒是不同的,多數夫妻在面對衝突時,想傳達的是自己需要被滿足的部分,但往往只讓對方感受到情緒的爆發,誤會你是在抱怨或生氣。有時可能想告訴對方:「我需要你的關心,希望有多一點相處的時間。」卻說成:「你都不關心我,回家只會上網、看電視!」非但無法讓對方了解需求,更容易引起情緒的反彈。
因此在表達需求時,不妨以「我」為句子的開頭,「我覺得很累,需要你多一點關心和陪伴。」如此更能明確表達需求。
三、正向行為/負向行為
美國知名心理學家暨婚姻諮商師約翰.高特曼(John Gottman)在近四十年的研究中發現,若夫妻正向及負向行為的比例在 0.8 以下(亦即負向行為多過正向行為),比較容易離婚。正向行為是指願意傾聽和妥協,用道歉、擁抱、微笑、幽默感……等方式來化解衝突中緊張的情緒;負向行為是指批評、輕視、自我防衛、冷戰,這四種行為對婚姻關係的殺傷力最大。
其實,夫妻的情感會隨著時間及生命歷程而變化,幸福的夫妻通常是彼此的好朋友,相互尊重、信任及體諒;因此,新婚夫妻也必須體認到婚姻中的衝突是不可避免的,唯有釐清雙方能改變的空間有多大,並學習有效解決衝突的方法,才能永結同心,讓婚姻關係長長久久。
延伸閱讀:
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